Sunday, May 29, 2011

How Drunk IS you?

I have recently had my attention drawn to the youtube wonder that is Glozell. Assuming, dear readers, that you have heard and wondered at Ke$ha's Tik Tok, as most of the Country has, you will appreciate.

So watch, and put down the soda beforehand. I learned my lesson the hard way.

 P.S. I think it is funny that she mixes up AA and Triple A. One is "akyol", and the other is cars. That's all.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Reasons I love my Place of Work

*which does not mean that I enjoy slipping in sauce, snotty customers, or sheeting crusts by the hundreds. It does mean that there are certain redeeming qualities.

Redeeming qualities that happened tonight, in the best of all possible shifts, in the best of all possible pizza joints:

1. There was no boss, just Dallas shift supervising, which essentially means that the crew was a bunch of teenagers having a blast, singing to the radio, and writing  "MOM" tattoos on each other's arms.

2. It was a Monday, which means that we weren't that busy, and I actually left at my scheduled leaving time as opposed to half an hour afterwards.

3. I feel that I know my co workers on a whole new level after today's shift, due to some topics that are only questionably work appropriate. Some topics of conversation include:
-Co worker relationships, which are now an interesting topic because Daxx and Dallas decided to take every girl who works there on a date.
- How to tell if someone is flirting, aka Dallas is being flirted with by every girl in his school and he is just too dense to get it.
- How being on her period is an acceptable excuse for a girl to break up with you.
- The renaming of every employee as another employee, because people have identity confusion within those walls. Allyssa is Gina, Dallas is Daxx, I am Dallas, and Daxx is Rayce. How did we decide that? That is a good question, and no one knows.

4. I worked with Daxx, whom I had spoken probably three sentences to before tonight. In the course of one shift, we have progressed from awkward sidestepping and "mm, what's your name again?"  to a high five routine, inside jokes, and "Look guys! Guys, we're holding hands!" I feel a friendship happening.

5. A day is not a good day without some good quotage. Thus:

" Amy, I will never ever leave you. I'm right here, Amy!"
"Hmm, well that is quite a declaration."

" Are we really talking about this?"
"um, Kevin's not here, so...yep, we are."

"I have no idea what I am looking for here."
"well, I don't know if that is exactly workplace appropriate."
"huh? I meant I couldn't find the onion chart."

"Who did the stocking?"
"I did."
"That's hot."

"Hey, Daxx, I'll come up and help you with those in a minute."
"Why, cause Amy's in love with me?"

" Didn't you guys all go through that stage when you were three and you just locked yourself inside a closet and said every swear word you knew over and over again?"
"Uh, maybe. Not really."
"Huh. well I had a really long one of those stages."

"You broke up and got back together in a week? Wow."
"Yeah, but I was on my period, so it doesn't really count."

I have never laughed so hard I couldn't breathe whilst making pizza before, but it happened. Best. Day. Eva!


Proof my brother helped to raise me

two weeks later....
I am moved in. It's a good thing, too, cause I couldn't remember what color my carpet was. Which would be a devastating fate of course. Anyway.

I am in the mood for Stargate. Probably because Alex and I worked a bunch of O'Neill references into our conversation today. (Sticking it to the man? I don't know if I can be the man.)

In honor of the best Sci-Fi show ever, let's have a countdown of the best episodes. Because it is late, and I am a geek, and also what you might call a predatory geek, aka I want everyone else to love, adore, and understand the wonderfulness that is SG1.  I'm out to convert you, world.

#1 Window of Opportunity
Where Jack and Teal'c get stuck in a time loop for months and have to convince everyone else every day that they already did this about a thousand times. And then they get creative with the no consequences thing....
All I have to say is, golfing through the stargate is probably the most brilliant thing in five universes, or, you know, however far the ball went.

"Colonel O'Neill, what the Hell are you doing?"
"In the middle of my backswing!"

#2 Urgo
Dom Deluise. Jello. Pumpkin pie. Row Row Row your boat.
" Well. If you call that singing."

#3 Holiday
The one where they all switch bodies, and Daniel delivers a touching speech whilst dying in an old guy's body. This one gets a bonus for working in several Junior references.
"Shave my head?!"

#4 Fragile Balance
The one where Jack gets cloned as a fifteen year old. This one has an excellent youtube video. So priceless.
"Are you conducting some kind of scientific experiment, O'Neill?"
"Hey, that salsa's still good!"

#5 Crusade
Vala comes back but in Daniel's body. Vala is also pregnant, apparently through immaculate conception.
"Yes, and I am absolutely terrified. Have any of you heard of this happening before?"
"Well, there's one."
"Darth Vader"
"Really? How did that turn out?"

watch em. And embrace the inner geek.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I have the hardest time getting things done in broad daylight. My brain seems to wake up at night and the OCD goes into "hyperactive hyperdrive! and astro...turf!"

Which is why I spent three hours this evening doing absolutely nothing but breathing, and somehow I am awake and cleaning the jungle of stuff that is my room in the wee hours of the morning. I really hope mom and dad are still asleep, but the floor has some squeaky spots, so I don't know if it is reasonable to hold out hope on that front. Probably they are down there counting the days until I move back to Logan and they can rest easy and teenager free once more.

Back to work. Happy cleaning!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Super Proud

Yesterday, I went to jimmy john's with my sister Bekah. She got Diet Coke. I got a water cup. I smelled it and did not drink it.

That is what you call self control. HA.

that's all. k, bye!

Friday, May 13, 2011


I hate sunshine and laughter and sappyness and noise and tone deaf people and the neverending unpacking and organizing and recycling and all that crap that comes with moving, and I hate headaches, especially the headache and carsickness mix that seems to be so popular during caffeine withdrawals. also, I hate pizza.
and I do not hate diet coke.

cue Ron Weasley: "She needs to sort out her priorities!"

Yes, I do. But shove it. And get me some Excedrin if you know what's good for you.

Happy summer, everyone!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Words cannot express how much I love and adore....

.... diet coke. But it's an unhealthy relationship. We broke up last week.

On to the healthy things! I Love and adore:

1. The whole family. They are crazy. They drive each other crazy. They have been described as "better than cable", and "the mormon soap channel". We are dramatic and chaotic.  But we love each other and I think they are the coolest people on this green earth.

2. Justin Banks and company. Six years and counting. I love him, shouting matches, four hour phone conversations, awkward falling and all. We should get jerseys, cause we make a good team. (best song eva!)

3. Kaptain Katie. Best roommate ever. She is currently in disneyland, probably scaring Jane and Gabe with the talking trashcan and becoming a bronze goddess all over again, guzzling diet coke.  I wish she was here.

4. Shane Goodsell. Because everyone needs someone to have ninja fights in the hallway with. He saves me when I do math homework and pretends to be a perfect emotionless warrior. But we all know he is just a teddy bear who happens to be large and imposing.

5. Driving with the music turned up really loud. Roadtrips. Flip flops. Pandora. Full bookcases. Black heels. Aviators. The H rock. Lifehouse. The crayon family portrait on my ceiling. Five dollar coats. Duct tape. Sliding down railings. Dancing in the kitchen.Jumping on matthew's bed. NCIS. glow in the dark stars. Puddle jumping with my dog. All those things that make life gleeful.

it's a good day.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Angsty and Pubescent

Does anyone out there remember potter puppet pals? "I'm angsty and pubescent and I can't hold down a girlfriend!" Anyone?

The self-imposed fast has begun. I haven't had diet coke in three days. Thus the angst.
This is probably good though, because of course caffeine addictions are not the healthiest thing in the world. But already I have terrible headaches that show up every afternoon and I feel snarky beyond belief. I've had some good practice holding in my inner snark, though. The lesson this week in relief society was on the word of wisdom.  Everything from red bull to chocolate (it has too much caffeine) has been written off as wicked, including diet coke specifically. Apparently all that aspartame is turning to formaldehyde and preserving my organs as we speak. 

Also, "Soda pop counts as hot drinks."

The inner snark was held in successfully, but my tongue may have been bloody by the time the closing song rolled around. 

Three days down, two weeks to go. I'm living on water. Also, painkillers.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Not Kosher

I am currently moving out of my apartment. aka blogging while I wait for the oven cleaning foam to dissolve the crap caked on there. But overall, moving out. And there is this phenomenon going on today called  'people, including myself, do annoying things that make me want to go off like an atom bomb'.

So I have to remind myself that certain behaviors are not kosher for adult humans who should have acquired self controlling skills above a kindergarten level by the time they reach college.

things like dumping all the crap from all the nooks and crannies in the garbage. it's not mine, so I should not throw it away. not kosher.
Or yelling at managers who don't send the plumber to fix our dead disposal like they said they would, causing difficulties with doing dishes because the sink won't freaking drain. So then you just wash stuff in the boys' apartment and restrain those previously discussed four year old tendencies. Cause tantrums and outside voices are not kosher.
Also, slicing your fingernail off with a razor is not kosher. The timing of that incident was unfortunate. Could I have done that next week? Heck no! Of course I would do that the week when I am handling all manner of chemical cleaners that get inside the open wound. And then, cause I am the most graceful person on the planet, I also mushed the throbbing open wound in a freak accident involving some oven foam on the floor and a slamming oven door. None of that is kosher, but it is, alas, my own stupid fault.
Also, the stains on the kitchen floor just won't come off! Not Kosher.

So, I have been dealing with all these not kosher things in a way that is also not kosher, namely, swearing under my breath when cleaner gets in the razor wound. But that is significantly closer to kosher than exploding like an atom bomb, right?

I think that this usage of "Not Kosher" also tells us that I am "Not Jewish". 

P.S. Shane. I apologize for the swears. But I made that no swearing promise under duress. It will quit when the cleaner stops hurting me.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Bucket List Item #24

Pick a summer. Spend so much time at Barnes and Noble that I reach a first name basis with the employees. Pick one of those squishy stuffed chairs and monopolize it so thoroughly that people start recognizing me over in my corner burning through some Steinbeck.

(could I pull this off this summer? maybe that could happen. I dreamed about it last night, and then my sister called me for book suggestions this morning. Coincidence? I think not!)

It might be wise if, when this happens, I left my credit card at home.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Continuing in the same vein....

Diet Coke can give you a hangover. I did not know this until I found myself in the midst of a nasty one. Katie told me that it would get better if I slept it off. So about four this morning, when the buzz finally wore off, I gladly let sleep take me. When I woke up about six and a half hours later, I felt great. I thought, "Wow! Sleep and liquid is a remedy from Aladdin's cave of wonders!"

Another six and a half hours later, I am learning something new. Caffeine hangovers have aftershocks. Yep, like earthquakes. Once again, my eyes are going to pop out of their sockets and some invisible gremlin is hovering in the general area of my temple with a screwdriver, maybe hanging pictures or christmas lights or something  from my head.

But I guess I learned something from this. I've gotta quit. No matter how much I love the sound of popping a soda can open, no matter that I get a rush of adrenaline from that blessed liquid, no matter how often diet coke appears in my dreams, I must quit, because I have reached a point that I didn't think existed. It's just not worth it.

This is where Faithful diet coke addicts worldwide will be ashamed. I'll be ostracised and kicked out of the community of those whose very veins run with brown and carbonated liquid. Maybe someday when I am over the diet cokeaholic stage, I'll be able to have one every now and then,and they'll let me visit the citadel of caffeine lovers. In the meantime, I have three days left. Then begins my self imposed fast. Which will be terrible,and also really healthy.

Oh, swears! (Can't I just get a soda IV?)

I did something really Stupid today.

I drank a lot of diet coke. A lot. We won't disclose how much, because reading about it might give you diabetes. So here it is, 2:59 a.m. Can I sleep? Not a snowball's chance in Hell.
Did I win the soda drinking contest? Absofreakinlutely.